the comeback

It has been two months and 23 days since my last blogfession.

When it comes to The Blog, I have it all planned out it in my head.

 "I'll blog every day!" 

"Okay, I'll blog every day but the weekend!"

"I'll blog once a week!"

Which has turned into...

I'll blog whenever I get the sudden urge to write a bunch of words.

Like today.

There wasn't anything specific that prompted the blog-urge. 

I didn't even have a plan of what to write when the urge hit. 

But, like all great writers, I found a cause good enough to make my come back.

And by cause, I mean a Facebook status that led to a response that led to a cause to write. And complain, and catch up, and all that other good stuff that you all just LOVE.

So I've been pretty busy since May! 

I have:

1. Moved out of the Garland/Dallas/Mesquite area. Forever.

THANK YOU BABY JESUS!! 

2. Went to Jamaica:

3. Continued to be awesome and perfect

4. Obtained a new baby niece:

OMG. She's just so cute. I want to hug her right now!

5. Survived a summer season of pee-wee soccer:

Key word=SURVIVE! 

I'd post a video but all you would hear is me screaming in the background.

"KICK THE BALL! KICK THE BALL!" ...It's not cute.

6. Started (and completed) my first ever season of The Bachelorette. 

Good times. No really, it was a good time for me.

7. Made a bunch of crap (and not crap) from Pinterest.

8. Gotten back into the whole school thing. 

(Where do I sign up to major in Pinterest-browsing and wine drinking? Because that's pretty much what I want to do. Let me know.)

9. A lot of other stuff that I can't really think of right now.

Alright, so now that we are done with the catch up I will do what I really came here to do.

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE TO ALL YOU DRIVERS OUT THERE.

Yep, you. All of you. 

Even if you think you're all borderline-NASCAR--with-ya-bad-self.

 You are included.

I know I have said it before. But I'll say it again, and I am even seriously considering getting a bumper sticker to say how I really feel:

I HATE DRIVING.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Whenever it comes to driving, I would consider myself a defensive driver. But I'm not talking about the 3 hour online course you took to dismiss a ticket. Oh no. I am talking full on:

Get the eff out of my way. And use your blinker while you're at it.

There's a few things that seriously irk me whenever it comes to my daily commute, and even my not commute.

If you are ever driving in the far right hand land, for example, on the Dallas North Tollway between the exits of Spring Creek and 121 around 5:39ish PM.. This is for you:

LET ME GET OVER! 

Why the freak would you drive in the far right hand lane if you DON'T want/know how to yield? You seriously piss me off. 

I'm talking like borderline make me wanna do a hate crime.

You see this blinker? It's not a Christmas light. 

I hate you. And I hate your 1997 white Honda Accord with stupid ass rims and your stupid face and hair cut. Yeah, you.

On the other side of the merging coin, whenever you are merging into traffic it's not okay to try and speed up and bypass those who are following the flow of traffic.

Ever used a zipper? Think about that when you merge into traffic.

One vehicle after another. It's really not that difficult.

This specific instant really impacts my life on the Dallas North Tollway between the exits of Legacy and Spring Creek around 7:35ish AM.

This is where the defense comes in. I will straight up drive in between the ending lane (that hasn't ended just yet, but it's about to) and the regular lane so you can't get around me. I'm that guy!!! 

I hope it ruins your day like you ATTEMPTED to ruin mine.

It's just rude and selfish. Kind of like this guy:

Nice use of the blinker, but turning from the middle lane is not only illegal but immediately indicates that you are a huge asshole. Could you BE any more inconsiderate? UGH! 

I hate bikes.

I hate bikes with two wheels and a stupid bicycler attached in spandex.

Oh. My. God. 

Could you possibly think of a more inconvenient time to bicycle around like you have no worries? Here's some good times for you to bicycle in the road:

YEAH NEVER.

But especially not during rush hour. 

Go on a Saturday or Sunday, or early early in the morning or in the evening.

Because frankly your bicycling between the hours of 7-9AM and 4-6PM is just NOT OKAY. WITH ANYONE I'M PRETTY SURE.

You stop up traffic for people trying to go to work. To their job. Which you obviously aren't headed to because you're riding around carefree and spandexy. 

Just stop already. Get on the damn sidewalk before I run your ass over!! 

Last, but certainly not least, are tailgaters.

Here's a good time to tailgate: 

In a parking lot with beer and friends.

On a road? On a highway? Any time other than that?

Not okay.

Where are you headed? Because you can just hop into my backseat and save gas. Seriously, get off my ass. Driving 4-6 inches away from my bumper isn't going to get you to where you are going any faster. I seriously hope and wish that you get stuck behind some cyclists every single day as soon as you're done tailing me. That's how much I hate you.

I could go on forever and ever and ever. But I'll just leave you with that for now. So long :)

B24

Over 1000 views?! Kewlies! Thanks ya'll! 

That means that my blog was viewed at least 500 times by someone other than myself, which is awesome! 

(I say 500 because there's no way I've looked at it over 500 times  myself, 

right? We'll just go with that.)

I'm sorry I didn't blog last night... I was a little busy.

I know I committed to the once-a-week-blog but...I was busy.

With a bottle of laxatives. Hey! You asked.

I know I told ya'll every Wednesday, but it was urgent that I take care of some 

bid-nass(ty) so I could get back to working order immediately.

I am finally feeling more like a human and less like a ball of pain and miserableness.

I was feeling like a big bag of a-holes for a few days so I made an appointment and

took a trip to every lady's favorite place... You guessed it, the lady doctor!

For some reason I need to come to terms with the fact that I will be waiting for a long ass time any time I go to the LD.

 I swear, every time I go I am waiting far beyond my scheduled appointment time and I need to just get over it and stop acting surprised when it's 2:05 and my appointment was at 1:30.

There was a woman (who was pregnant I might add--We'll get to that later) 

who went up to the desk around 1:20 and said this,

"My appointment is at 1:30. Should I reschedule? Because I don't want to wait."

Sorry sister, you must not be familiar with the practices around here, because your ass is going to be in that chair waiting for a while.

 So sit down and be quiet with yo pregnant self! 
Oh! By the way...

I mean what the hell is the point of scheduling an appointment if you are going to be waiting thirty minutes after? If I were thirty minutes late you would make me reschedie... Just saying.

It's a fun adventure of waiting whenever you're at the LD. 

This one time she made me wait about thirty seconds too long in an extremely uncomfortable position.

Think about what happens when you're at the LD.

 My doctor gets it all cranked open and says, "I'll be right back." 

WAIT WHAT? No!!! You will not be right back!!! 

You will finished what you started right now!! 

That was a crazy awkward moment as I panicked with the anticipation of the metal jaws of life falling out of me and crashing to the floor.

 It was awful, but I still love her.

Back to the waiting room.

I had pleeeeeenty of time to self reflect and come to terms with something I started feeling for the first time about three weeks ago.

The first time it happened it was really weird, and let's just be honest, it's still weird.

 I honestly couldn't even wrap my brain around my thought because it was that outlandish, but sitting here in this waiting room for THIRTY minutes after my scheduled appointment time I had plenty of time to come to terms with these feelings.

I really am not meaning to offend anyone at all by my next statement.

I promise it is nothing personal. 

I still love you all as people, and sisters, and friends, and I love your unborn babies too, but.......

Pregnant people freak me the F out! 

The first time I was freaked out was about three weeks ago in the women's restroom at work. A huge pregnant woman walked into the bathroom about the same time I did, and the only thing I could think of was a human being moving inside of her. 

Freaking crazy. 

It just blows my mind, even right now when I'm not around any pregs, that a baby can be all moving inside of you and you can act like nothing is happening. 

Sucking its thumb and moving around and probably pooping.

 I know you are probably thinking I'm cray because I have a three year old, but honestly pregnancy is such a distant memory to me at this point...I don't really remember much at all! So here I am, sitting in this waiting room where I am the ONLY woman without another human inside of me, looking around at all these woman who are pregnant and probably completely oblivious to the fact that I am seriously freaking out because there are like 8 other people in this room, but I only see four... 

A woman walks in with the most god-awful purse I have ever seen in my life.

 It's pastel yellow, green, teal, blue.

 I seriously wanted to tell her, "please burn that purse" but I didn't.

 I'm sitting right next to the window for the front desk and she starts to discuss some billing with the receptionist. 

"Well it was when I got my strep-B test...."

Stop right there.

Do you know what they do during that test?

They take a cotton swab and they SWAB YOUR BUTT HOLE.

Great, now all I can think of is that happening to YOU! Thanks girl.

So here I am thinking how this girl not only just brought way too much info to this waiting room but also that purse is awful with its fluffiness and her mom walks in with a baby. Alright, so it's probably a diaper bag and I am a judging B. 

Whatever, at least I can SEE her baby.

My name gets called.

The nurse says, "I scheduled you for a sonogram, have you done it yet?"

I said, "UH WHAT!?" Just like that.

 I was not hiding my utter shock for even a moment, because all I could think about was the fact that she must have confused me with all these other pregs in the room, because I'm totally not pregnant and I don't need to be doin' all that! 

So it turns out that I really did have to go do all that, but it was in another suite just down the hall. I walk down to this executive-sonogram-suite and open the door only to see the preg I was just in the other waiting room with! 

She has her boyfriend/husband/sperm donor there with her, and I'm all alone. 

It's like a flashback to when I really was pregnant and all alone, which wasn't a good time for me, so I start feeling really sick to my stomach and super ready for them to call my name already! Can we please get this over with?! 

I would like to not be stuck in 2008 right now. Thanks.

Long story short, we get it all done, and I end up leaving at 3:00. 

I'm really not sure what started my feeling towards pregnant women, but I do hope to overcome it sometime in the near future. Help me!!!!!!

5 Reasons...

FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD GET YOUR BOYFRIEND TO PUT A RING ON IT NOT A BABY IN IT

1. Money

Babies are extremely expensive. 

And you know what babies grow into? Children. Who are even more expensive. 

Have you researched how much daycare costs these days? 

If you are already pregnant, maybe. 

If you are single with no children searching for daycare prices, you are a weirdo.

 One who should not procreate at this time.

You have to work to support the offspring, and you can't work without someone to watch the offspring. 

Guess what? Daycare is absolutely ridiculous. 

Anywhere from $500/mo on the lower end to $900ish a month on the realistic end.

Keep in mind this is without a good deal and/or daycare assistance.

Because yes, there IS a government assistance for that!   

If you are thinking of relying on assistance to support your not-yet-conceived-child, then you are not ready to have a child. 

Why? Because my tax dollars don't really want to pay for it, and I don't either.

You are probably thinking, oh my gosh... DAYCARE? 

That's my almost/is how much I pay in rent! 

Yes, it probably is. And babies need you to be able to pay the rent so they have a place to live when they aren't at daycare.

Let's not stop at daycare. 

Formula is anywhere from $16-$25 per can.

 If my memory serves me correct, a can of formula can last anywhere from one to one and a half weeks. 

That is around $100 a month. Are you keeping up? 

Because we haven't even talked about diapers, and the baby needs somewhere to put all that used up formula!

Diapers range anywhere from $10 for a small package to about $40 for a more reasonable package that will last more than two days. 

Babies use multiple diapers a day, anywhere from 3-10. Diapers. A day.

There's only so many diapers in each package, just saying.

Once they grow out of the formula/diaper stage, you may THINK you will save money... But you won't. Because then they will need underwear all the time, not to mention they grow like weeds and will outgrow that cute new outfit you bought within the next two weeks. They eat like, well, growing boys. Pretty much more than you eat now, which can get pretty expensive if you think about it.

2. You like sleeping more than you think.

You really do, even though you think you could really go for waking up multiple times in the night. Who wouldn't? 

If you are thinking about how cute those little ruffle butt bloomers are, and how sweet it would be to have a baby right now plus nine months...

 I have a great way to change your mind.

My first solution is to babysit a teething one year old for one night. 

One night!!! That is all it will take, I promise. 

Wait until the one year old molars stage, because those are the most fun.

I would try and find someone who you are friends with and ask them to borrow their baby. Posting something on Craig's list would not be acceptable.

Option two requires real self discipline, because you can't snooze a baby.

Set your alarm for every two hours and actually get up. 

Every two hours, because that's how often newborns eat. 

Even three year olds wake up every two hours sometimes, because they're three, and they want to talk, or they have to pee, or they had a bad dream, or they are ready for morning and cannot wait another 4 hours for daytime to begin. 

Do this three nights in a row and I promise you will be cured.

3. Freedom

You have to have your baby covered at all times. 

Even when you have diarrhea. Where's the baby?

Even when you are sooo tired because you haven't slept more than 10 hours in the past three nights combined. Even when you just want to run in the gas station because you only have cash and your car is on E.... you can't leave a baby in the car! You just want to run in to Subway real quick to grab a $5 footlong? Well, it's not going to be real quick. You have to get the baby out of the car seat, take them into Subway, order, put them back in the car seat when it's time to leave....

Finding a babysitter isn't always easy. 

And it doesn't always work out the way you want it to, and sometimes it's frustrating.

You may feel left out at times because your friends are out and you aren't.

If the baby is sick and can't go to daycare, you would have to find a sitter to watch him. Most of the time you have to pay for baby sitters, which could range anywhere from $10/hour and up. If you have a lot of family like I do that love your perfect angel baby it is easier, but there are times when no one is available and well!!! 

That little baby you wanted sooooo badly comes first!

As I am writing this my own three year old is climbing on me and speaking in tongues.

But HEY!!! At least he's covered right?

4. Your Body

Is a wonderland? Maybe not so much after nine months of pregnancy.

Or 18 months of pregnancy if you're Jessica Simpson.

I don't want to freak you out, but fully recovering from pregnancy takes a damn long time. For me, about three years to be completely back to pre-Reese.

If you are thinking you will work out to get that baby weight off, chances are you won't because you don't work out now, and having a baby isn't going to change that. Even if you work out now, finding a babysitter so you can work out may be a challenge--forcing you to just not work out. Or do Jillian Michaels 30 day shred in your living room after bedtime. 

No one will judge you. That shit is hard. 

If you want to get your hair done, you have to find a sitter, but you won't want to waste a sitter on a hair appointment, because you would rather go hang out with your friends if you got the opportunity for a sitter.

5. Being a parent is hard

No matter what age your baby/kid is, being a parent is not an easy task. 

I know you see your friends on Facebook and parenting is so fun! 

And the pics are so cute! And going to the zoo is so much more fun with a toddler (which it is) but please keep in mind that these are the happy times. 

No one is posting a picture of themselves at 3AM up with a coughing toddler, because let's just be honest they probably look like a hot damn mess. 

When you see your friends and their kids out, if the parents are good at what they do the visit was most likely strategically planned out after nap when the child is well rested and on their best behavior. This is not always the case, and if the parent is good at planning, then the bad behavior stays at home for just the parents to enjoy. 

Being a parent to a newborn is hard because they can't talk.

Being a parent to a toddler is hard because they don't stop talking.

These are all things I wish someone would have presented to me before I became a mother. I know these are all things that I never thought about before I got pregnant, or when I was pregnant... I only thought about them as they were presented to me.  Motherhood has been a great experience for me, because I have an amazing family and an even more amazing son. I am extremely blessed for all of these things, but some parents aren't as blessed. I am blessed to have a child with a very big and loving heart, who is healthy, and who is cute as all get out. My advice to all my friends is to wait as long as possible. One day you will be able to experiences the joys and hard times of parenthood, but do your living first. I promise you won't regret it! 

B22COMEBACK

It's been a while since I blogged, and I am truly sorry for leaving you all hanging. I feel as though you deserve an explanation, and there are two LEGIT reasons why I fell off the blogging map:

1. Writer's block

In writing almost mostly every day, I ran out of things to say. 

I haven't run out of things to say since I was dubbed 

"The Mouth of the South" in pre-school twenty years ago. 

1992 REPRESENT!

To be completely honest, it kind of freaked me out... 

And to be completely honest, I just simply did not have anything to blog about! 

But no fear... After about 1.5 months off I am positive I won't run out of things to say, because I am only committing to blogging once a week. 

Wednesday sounds like a good day to me, since Monday is booked with Secret Life of the American Teenager (GUILTY!) and Tuesday is all booked up with 16 and Pregnant (GUILTY!) Thursday is the weekend-eve and then it's the WEEKEND! 

No time for blogs there.

2. Reese

Having a three year old is terribly exhausting. 

You don't believe me?

My day goes something like this:

After a night that may or may not have consisted of consecutive hours of sleep...

5:51 AM: Alarm goes off

*SNOOZE*

(have you ever noticed a snooze lasts 9 minutes? I knew you were going to question it)

6:00AM: Alarm goes off again. For real this time.

*AWAKEN*

Get dressed, possibly breakfast? And possibly doing my hair?

It all depends on how well the snooze went.

6:20ishAM: Wake up Reese

Sometimes he surprises me by being cooperative and not saying things like 

"It's not morning" 

Well, it is morning, and it's time to G-O! 

We are out the door by 6:45AM if I am on time. And by on time I mean lucky.

6:45AM-7:10ishAM: Drive to Reese's daycare

7:10AM: Drop Reese off. 

This goes one of two ways:

1. "I don't want to go to school *resists*" 

 2. "BYE MOM!" <-- what I prefer

7:12-7:15ishAM: Start my own commute to work

7:55AM: Arrive at work (if I'm lucky)

8:00AM-4:30PM: WORK NONSTOP OMG WILL IT END?

4:40ishPM: Start the commute home

5:20ish: Pick up Reese

5:45ishish: Arrive home

Dinner, Playtime, Possible walk, Bath time, Bedtime.

9:00PM: ME TIME!!!!

See? Exhausting. Very little time for blogging. Or anything else for that matter.

B??

You know the saying.

"Haters gon' hate, Potatoes gon' potate"

Well that is EXACTLY what I plan to do in this blog tonight.

Hate. On. Everything.

Lots and lots of HATE in this blog...YAY

If you don't wanna read to it, you know what to do!

Let's start at the top: I hate daylight savings time.

Why the EFF do we have to "observe" daylight savings time?

And yes, it's referred to as "observing". Google it.

Not every state observes. How does that even work? 

It's not like Arizona is in a time zone of its own. Hawaii-okay fine.

Daylight savings time is so stupid. You just took an hour of my weekend!

Why don't they make stupid daylight savings time in the middle of the stupid week, or better yet never at all? I don't understand! SO STUPID!

I needed that hour. I didn't want that hour of sleep, I needed it. 

Which brings me to point number two.

I hate double ear infection and 101 degree fevers.

I hate it when my baby is sick.

In the first 2.5 years of his life he had one ear infection. ONE. 

He got sick like a normal kid, but not as frequently as he does now.

Conclusion: he's allergic to this apartment. 

You think I'm trying to be funny here? 

Guess again, or I'll hate on you too right now.

In the past ten months that we live here Reese has had at least three ear infections and pneumonia. He was diagnosed with allergies and asthma. 

And those are the times where we actually took a trip to the doctor!

Did I mention we never had these problems before??

Exactly. Perhaps its something in the apartment like mold or the fact that it totally blows. Or maybe it's just that this apartment totally blows. 

Next point: I HATE MY APARTMENT.

I know I have touched briefly on this before, but I still hate it more everyday.

I. HATE. IT. 

Last night I listened to a loud popping coming from my wall for at least a good twenty minutes, which could be one of two things.

1. Pressure in the pipes from hot water usage upstairs

2. The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I'm going to go with number one. Why? 

Because then I can blame it ON THESE STUPID ASS APARTMENTS.

I hate not being able to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. 

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I know a couple people I would wish that on.

I just laid there for two hours, unable to sleep. I was wide awake, even though just minutes before that I was about to pass out! Ridiculous!

I didn't really have that issue either until I moved here, imagine that.

Then Reese woke up at least six times between when I fell asleep and when my alarm went off. Awesome.

That noise that comes from the wall pisses me off so much it makes me want to kick a small animal into oncoming traffic on 635.

 And I am not talking rush-hour-not-moving traffic, either.

It's bad, I know. But I can't even help it at this point.

I hate CVS pharmacy in Mesquite. Why do I keep going there? 

The same reason I go to Juarez Mexico, and by that I mean Wal-Mart in Garland.

And that is because it is somewhat convenient for now, or I am going insane.

I am usually the only white person there; its like Mexico only they don't accept pesos.

Or maybe they do. I'm not 100% sure, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Half the time they're out of everything because I'm pretty sure Mexicans have a special grocery-shopping time right before I go grocery shopping.

They are all conspiring against me, I swear!!! 

Where the deli worker not only doesn't really speak English, but didn't even know what prosciutto is. Yet there are fifteen different meats/cheeses in SPANISH. You work in an effing deli. Get with it.

The last time I went to CVS this stupid little pharmacy tech girl wanted to cop a 'tude with me. Guess who you don't want to cop a 'tude with? 

A mother with a sick 3 year old at 9 o'clock at night, that's who.

Needless to say we went back today, and what did they do?

Well I'll tell you what they DIDN'T do! 

They DIDN'T mix up Reese's antibiotics, and when did we realize this? 

WHEN WE WERE ALREADY AT HOME.

Great, what is he supposed to do with a bunch of powder antibiotics? 

Snort it? I don't think so! 

Luckily I have an amazing stepdad who drove all the way over just to take it back for me. He is one thing I am not hating right now.

I hate Plano Road. I hate construction. I hate people. I hate tornados. I hate that I just ate eight perogies. I hate selfish people. I hate people who lie about everything. I hate that I can't eat whatever I want and not get fat. I hate paying bills. I hate that I ran out of flour and can't make cookies right now. I hate that I'm already super tired and it's only 7:43 PM. I hate that I won't get to see my boyfriend for at least another week if not longer. 

I hate PMS, what about you?

B19.5

SURPRISE!

Two blogs in one day.

Today I had a huge scare, if you know what I mean.

Yep, a wrinkle scare.

On the eve-eve of my 24 birthday I discovered what I initially thought were wrinkles. 

Panic ensued.

That is not a discovery that you want to make on your way to work on a Monday, just sayin.

To say that I did not seriously contemplate finding the nearest Botox clinic would be a lie.

I know that it sounds super crazy; Botox at 23.95?! But I didn't know what else to do! 

Come on years of tanning, why did you have to catch up with me so quick?!

Skipping work for a spontaneous Botox sesh was just not an option today, so I went into the office and decided I would do the next best thing.

Moisturize the shit out of my face, and that is exactly what I did people!

I'm talking like slabbing on the lotion every 7-10 minutes.

I wish I could say I was exaggerating to be funny but I'm totally not.

I don't even carry a mirror around with me, I'm not really sure if that is normal, but I already know what I look like so I don't see the point.

Luckily, my coworker happened to have a mirror, which I snagged and kept with me all day. These wrinkles came on so quick, and I had to keep checking to make sure they weren't getting any worse. 

So I moisturized, and moisturized, and moisturized and moisturized and they seemed to be getting better. Whew.

I kept checking every 4-6 minutes just to be safe.

 If I'm already getting wrinkles now, can you imagine what I would look like at 30? 

I don't even want to THINK about it! 

I'm sure I looked totes vain to passers-by at work, checking my appearance in the mirror so often, but if they knew the sitch then surely they would've understood.

After 8 hours and half a bottle of lotion later I realized that it was just dry skin.

Thank GOD!!!