B24

Over 1000 views?! Kewlies! Thanks ya'll! 

That means that my blog was viewed at least 500 times by someone other than myself, which is awesome! 

(I say 500 because there's no way I've looked at it over 500 times  myself, 

right? We'll just go with that.)

I'm sorry I didn't blog last night... I was a little busy.

I know I committed to the once-a-week-blog but...I was busy.

With a bottle of laxatives. Hey! You asked.

I know I told ya'll every Wednesday, but it was urgent that I take care of some 

bid-nass(ty) so I could get back to working order immediately.

I am finally feeling more like a human and less like a ball of pain and miserableness.

I was feeling like a big bag of a-holes for a few days so I made an appointment and

took a trip to every lady's favorite place... You guessed it, the lady doctor!

For some reason I need to come to terms with the fact that I will be waiting for a long ass time any time I go to the LD.

 I swear, every time I go I am waiting far beyond my scheduled appointment time and I need to just get over it and stop acting surprised when it's 2:05 and my appointment was at 1:30.

There was a woman (who was pregnant I might add--We'll get to that later) 

who went up to the desk around 1:20 and said this,

"My appointment is at 1:30. Should I reschedule? Because I don't want to wait."

Sorry sister, you must not be familiar with the practices around here, because your ass is going to be in that chair waiting for a while.

 So sit down and be quiet with yo pregnant self! 
Oh! By the way...

I mean what the hell is the point of scheduling an appointment if you are going to be waiting thirty minutes after? If I were thirty minutes late you would make me reschedie... Just saying.

It's a fun adventure of waiting whenever you're at the LD. 

This one time she made me wait about thirty seconds too long in an extremely uncomfortable position.

Think about what happens when you're at the LD.

 My doctor gets it all cranked open and says, "I'll be right back." 

WAIT WHAT? No!!! You will not be right back!!! 

You will finished what you started right now!! 

That was a crazy awkward moment as I panicked with the anticipation of the metal jaws of life falling out of me and crashing to the floor.

 It was awful, but I still love her.

Back to the waiting room.

I had pleeeeeenty of time to self reflect and come to terms with something I started feeling for the first time about three weeks ago.

The first time it happened it was really weird, and let's just be honest, it's still weird.

 I honestly couldn't even wrap my brain around my thought because it was that outlandish, but sitting here in this waiting room for THIRTY minutes after my scheduled appointment time I had plenty of time to come to terms with these feelings.

I really am not meaning to offend anyone at all by my next statement.

I promise it is nothing personal. 

I still love you all as people, and sisters, and friends, and I love your unborn babies too, but.......

Pregnant people freak me the F out! 

The first time I was freaked out was about three weeks ago in the women's restroom at work. A huge pregnant woman walked into the bathroom about the same time I did, and the only thing I could think of was a human being moving inside of her. 

Freaking crazy. 

It just blows my mind, even right now when I'm not around any pregs, that a baby can be all moving inside of you and you can act like nothing is happening. 

Sucking its thumb and moving around and probably pooping.

 I know you are probably thinking I'm cray because I have a three year old, but honestly pregnancy is such a distant memory to me at this point...I don't really remember much at all! So here I am, sitting in this waiting room where I am the ONLY woman without another human inside of me, looking around at all these woman who are pregnant and probably completely oblivious to the fact that I am seriously freaking out because there are like 8 other people in this room, but I only see four... 

A woman walks in with the most god-awful purse I have ever seen in my life.

 It's pastel yellow, green, teal, blue.

 I seriously wanted to tell her, "please burn that purse" but I didn't.

 I'm sitting right next to the window for the front desk and she starts to discuss some billing with the receptionist. 

"Well it was when I got my strep-B test...."

Stop right there.

Do you know what they do during that test?

They take a cotton swab and they SWAB YOUR BUTT HOLE.

Great, now all I can think of is that happening to YOU! Thanks girl.

So here I am thinking how this girl not only just brought way too much info to this waiting room but also that purse is awful with its fluffiness and her mom walks in with a baby. Alright, so it's probably a diaper bag and I am a judging B. 

Whatever, at least I can SEE her baby.

My name gets called.

The nurse says, "I scheduled you for a sonogram, have you done it yet?"

I said, "UH WHAT!?" Just like that.

 I was not hiding my utter shock for even a moment, because all I could think about was the fact that she must have confused me with all these other pregs in the room, because I'm totally not pregnant and I don't need to be doin' all that! 

So it turns out that I really did have to go do all that, but it was in another suite just down the hall. I walk down to this executive-sonogram-suite and open the door only to see the preg I was just in the other waiting room with! 

She has her boyfriend/husband/sperm donor there with her, and I'm all alone. 

It's like a flashback to when I really was pregnant and all alone, which wasn't a good time for me, so I start feeling really sick to my stomach and super ready for them to call my name already! Can we please get this over with?! 

I would like to not be stuck in 2008 right now. Thanks.

Long story short, we get it all done, and I end up leaving at 3:00. 

I'm really not sure what started my feeling towards pregnant women, but I do hope to overcome it sometime in the near future. Help me!!!!!!