B5

For the past two days my right foot has been cramping like crazy. 

How does crazy cramp? 

Well I'm not really sure, but it kind of feels like my foot is about to give birth to itself.

It's the top of my foot that has been attempting to go into labor, and it's extremely painful.

It's not a tear-inducing pain, it's more of a I'm-laughing-so-I-don't-cry type pain.

[try explaining that to a three year old, it sounds like this: "I understand Mommy is laughing, but it's actually not really funny at all, and if that steak knife was a little closer I would totally cut my foot off"]

Laughing somewhat helps because no matter how much I want to cut my foot off, there's no epidural coming my way, and I have yet to figure out how to stop it.

I cant move my toes when it happens, and there was even one point where my muscles and bones in my foot were moving (I could see this happening, it was creepy) but my foot was NOT. 

And that my friends, is crazy. 

I bet ya'll are thinking "oh my god you need to go to a doctor"

Well I don't need to go to a doctor, because it's pretty clear to me what is happening.

I'm allergic to driving. And my foot is obviously rejecting my body.

I hate love driving. 

When I'm not at work or home, I'm driving. 

My commute, in total, equals two hours a day. 

Sometimes longer, depending on school buses and traffic.

Which basically means that I drive for approximately 21.6 DAYS a year, and that is not including the time I spend driving on weekends.

 WOW.

I spend less time throughout the year complaining about my period.

Now before I dog on how much driving sucks, I must admit that it has become my 

bloggity bloggle blo bloggle bloggle brainstorming time. 

(Which is a win for both of us! Just sayin!)

Before I devoted my evenings to blogging, my time devoted to driving was just...driving.

And driving, and driving, and red lights, and right turns, and yielding, and traffic, and more driving.

There are so many people in this world that suck at driving!

I have some seriously ridiculous road rage, 

and now I'm going to explain to you what I like to refer to as:

The Idiot Totem Pole

There are three different "tiers" of idiot drivers.

The lowest idiot on the totem pole would be:

The Stupid Idiot

A stupid idiot is someone who is an okay driver over all, but has some tendencies that make non-recreational drivers like myself want to punch them in the face.

Examples: Not turning right on red, or staying in the right hand lane even though you have no intentions of turning right. Using the HOV lane when you only have one person in the car, or an animal posing as a passenger. Animals don't count as passengers, just saying. Customized license plates, Christmas lights on your vehicle.

 You're hurting my eyes. Just stop.

The second idiot on the totem pole would be:

The Big Dumb Idiot

A big dumb idiot is someone who takes their idiotness to the next level. Not sure what I'm talking about? They don't even have to be driving, that's how bad it is. That would be someone who decides they need to blare their music so loud my grandmother can hear it 6 miles away buried in Restland cemetery. Today I was getting gas in Sachse, and some big dumb idiot had their hoodrat music up SO loud even Kanye West would be offended. You're in Sachse, not South Dallas. Turn it down already, no one is impressed, and you look like... Well, for lack of better terms, a big dumb idiot.

The highest idiot on the totem pole would be:

The Stupid F(explicit)ING Idiot

A Stupid F(explicit)ING Idiot is someone who honestly should not be driving a vehicle, or even walking around on this earth for that matter. The speed limit is not a suggestion, and there is a reason those signs don't say "Drive this fast if you're feeling frisky." I'm not asking you to speed, I respect the fact that you are trying to obey they law, but come on. Some of us are not recreational drivers, and in fact, we probably hate driving so much we waited till the last possible second to leave, and now its your fault we're running late. The fact that we left 10 minutes late has nothing to do with the fact we are ultimately going to be late. It's all your fault, because you're a stupid f(explicit)ing idiot. SFIs are generally very selfish, and will wait till the last possible second to merge and/or yield. Oh, you didn't see the 20 cars you just cut in front of? Then you probably shouldn't be driving, because your ass is BLIND! Seriously though why do people think where they have to go is more important than everyone else? I just want to get the F out of this CAR!

I mean honestly, what happened? What happened to 16 whenever I wanted to drive everywhere? I couldn't wait to get behind the wheel and get my own car.

I don't want my own car. Why? Because then I have to pay for it, and that really blows. I don't want to drive. Why? Because then I have to put gas in my car, and I honestly would rather go to the gynecologist. I feel like I should get a frequent buyer discount card for all the gas I buy. It's ridiculous. And it's all George Bush's fault, just like gas prices in 2007. And that is a joke, because I love George Bush, unlike driving... Which I hate.