B7

I seriously hate children.

I know that sounds a little crazy since I do have a three year old, so let me be more specific: I hate other people's children.

My child is not only super cute, but he's also very well-behaved in public.

And no, I'm not just saying that. He really is! 

Today I took Reese to an indoor-playground-type-place in Lewisville.

The last time I went to this place was probably about two years ago when Reese was just learning how to walk. It was on a weekday, so it was fairly dead, and we had a lot of fun.

Oh. My. Goodness. Not today!!!!

There were probably about fifty fun-sized assholes running around, most of them unattended; now that I'm looking back, I think fifty is actually rounding down.

Where are your parents!?! Oh that's your mom over there fifty feet away on her MacBook? Awesome!! Free Wi-Fi. Let's encourage parents to NOT watch their kids even less than they already do!

Those party rooms that are on the second floor are super convenient. Super convenient for parents to socialize and NOT watch their kids!

What a NIGHTMARE!

What is it with kids? What is it with parents?

Do these children act differently when their parents are around, or is that just acceptable behavior these days? If so I may check on homeschooling.

I'm that parent. The parent who will overthrow the slide dictator. 

You know the type, and if you can't remember back that far I will gladly remind you.

"You can't play on this slide, you have to go to that slide."

Oh!! I'm sorry little princess, but do you pay taxes to keep this park in good condition? 

I didn't think so, so SHUT IT.

On Reese's birthday we went to a park, and I seriously told this little brat child that she was a very mean little girl, but that's what she gets for trying to be a boss!

Back to today.

So, the place we went to is called 'Going Bonkers' and let's just say the name doesn't even do it justice.

Whenever we walked in, I felt perfectly fine, excited for some bonding time with my precious angel child. 

Whenever we left, I felt similar to my champagne hangover back in 2007.

Aren't familiar with a champagne hangover?! I couldn't even drink water without immediately throwing it up, and I felt very dizzy and exhausted. It was awful.

Needless to say, I very rarely drink champagne anymore, but needless to say, it's not like I can very rarely be around kids anymore, because they're freaking everywhere.

 Now that I am revisiting this tragic experience, when we first got there it really wasn't that bad. But then, all hell broke loose, and by hell I mean 5 birthday parties at one time, accompanied by very minimal parental supervision.

Children ranging from barely walking to teenagers dressed like baby prostitutes.

I'm sorry, but if you are old enough to have a cell phone and dress like a pre-pubescent stripper, then you probably shouldn't be chasing your friends around Going Bonkers, because you will seriously lose some street cred. just sayin'.

Of course the big kids are mixed with the little kids, it's not like at the dog park where they are in separate areas for safety reasons, and because I hate big dogs. Well, I really don't like any dog, except for my family's dog, and Dustin's dog is alright too. 

(both small dogs)

 Three year olds being trampled by kids old enough to baby sit them. 

And by three year olds, I mean my three year old, and let me tell you what... Nothing pisses me off more than a bratty little 10 year old pushing around my three year old!

Is it really necessary to get to the slide faster than he does? I mean ultimately you're going to end up in the same place... Back in line for this very same slide.

So slow your little ass down.

In addition to these climbing areas for these strange creatures that looked much like little children, but acted like little animals, they also had some quarter rides for the smaller kids to enjoy. Key words there: smaller kids.

The teacup ride played an instrumental version of "Like a Virgin" and I promise you, I'm not just saying that to make you laugh. I'm freaking serious.

So I put my three quarters in so Reese can sit in a race car for 2.5 minutes pressing a button that sounds like a horn and pretend to drive. As soon as I put the money in, I kid you not, like three kids come running over and jump on the car.

So now Reese has a passenger in his little play-car which is fine. 

Two big kids now sitting on the back of the play-car being annoying? Not fine.

Are your parents paying for the next ride? No, they aren't. So get off and go ruin someone else's day.

This continued with every ride that he rode, and I swear, after the first hour the atmosphere really started impacting my well being.

I was just looking around, hearing screaming children, being bumped by children who didn't speak English. Watching children push around one of the quarter rides because they didn't have money to play, so they were just being reckless.

I thought to myself, this is truly, truly, my worst effing nightmare. 

The room started to spin.

At that point I'm done; I'm like Reese, let's go. Now, or better yet 20 minutes ago. 

I'll buy you ice cream. I'll buy you Hot Wheels. I'll give you $20.

I'll do whatever you want, but seriously, Mommy is about to freaking freak out.

I saw at least five pregnant women walking around in there, and I'm not sure if it was in the water or what, but I certainly wasn't going to be sticking around to try and figure that one out.

As soon as we got outside, my Going-Bonkers-Hangover still didn't subside.

When we got home, we took a nap. I woke up, feeling a little better after the traumatic experience, feeling well enough to go grocery shopping.

We get to the grocery store, and I swear, there are kids running around everywhere YET AGAIN, knocking glass jars of shelves, bossing their parents, running around unattended.

I honestly felt like I was in some sort of foreign country that still accepted US dollars, and I couldn't WAIT to get out of there. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it!

The best part of the wonderful day was the fact that when asked how old he was at Going Bonkers, Reese told the 16 year old working the cash register that he was 2. I guess he hasn't really gotten on board with the whole being 3 thing, but it saved me 2.50. Now, you may think that this was dishonest, but babysitters get paid a whole lot more than 2.50 an hour, and I babysat at least 20 kids while their parents paid full price to not watch them.

The moral of the story is, whenever your time comes to pro-create, (if you haven't already) 

PLEASE take an active approach to parenting. 

I promise, it will be more fulfilling for both you and your child, and you won't regret it.